Tag Archives: Humor

Funny Headlines

Funny HeadlinesEvery once in a while from time to time a newspaper headline will just jump off the page. Not for its athletic prowess or shyness but for its shear absurdity. You have to wonder if the journalist or editor responsible for said headline had their head in a crack pipe that morning. Did they know what they were doing or were they purposely that farcical. Whatever the case these creations for headline banners are priceless if only for their entertainment value and comic relief.

You don’t have to look much past the internet to find funny headlines.

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Taipei (Taiwan) Times


BUSH URGES USE OF CONDOMS BASED ON UGANDA EXPERIENCE
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The Jakarta Press (Indonesia)


THOUSANDS OF FALSE EYELASH FACTORY WORKERS RUN AMOK
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Fox News Website


TWO MEXICAN MIDGET WRESTLERS KILLED BY FAKE PROSTITUTES
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Nine to Five Magazine


AFRICA: GLAMOUR. DECADENCE. MURDER.
HUNDREDS OF SECRETARIAL OPPORTUNITIES.
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Petersburg (Virginia) Progress-Index


SKYDIVER LANDS ON BEER VENDOR AT WOMEN’S COLE SLAW WRESTLING EVENT.
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Lewiston (Idaho) Morning Tribune


VIRGIN HOLDS OFF 10,000 IN PEACHTREE
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The Wenatchee (Washington) World


FIVE-HEADED COACH TO LEAD WASHINGTON SCHOOL
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Evening Herald (Dublin, Ireland)

WOMEN IN SUMO WRESTLER SUIT ASSUALTED HER EX-GIRLFRIEND IN GAY PUB AFTER SHE WAVED AT MAN DRESSED AS SNICKERS BAR.[/box]

Fall TV Best Old Ideas

Nobody in Hollywood has an original thought anymore leading one to believe every idea in the Television business has been thought of and now they’ve been reduced to re-doing old TV or movies. Pretty much every new show in the fall lineup can trace it’s roots back to a TV show or some movie done previously.

Let’s start with the obvious…


Charlie’s Angels — (ABC, Sep 22)

In a rehash of the 70s action/rompy show “Charlie’s Angels” this blatant trip on Professor Peabody’s Way-back machine is a reboot of an old idea. It worked at the time because young men of that era were shallow and somewhat jerkish. Okay, it might work with today’s generation as well.

Let’s hope by mid-season the angel’s get real guns.


2 Broke Girls — (CBS, Sep 19)

Okay, here’s the premise. The series follows the lives of two waitresses in their twenties—Max (Kat Dennings), who comes from a poor working-class family, and Caroline (Beth Behrs), born rich but now down on her luck—working together at a Brooklyn eatery.

You could move these two to Milwaukee, put them to work in a brewery and you’d have Laverne and Shirley. (The uniforms remind me of Mel’s Diner)

Actually… wasn’t that funky chair in Laverne’s apartment?


Person of Interest — (CBS, Sep 22)

Think, Tom Cruise in Minority Report, without the flying backpacks and that very hot car. Mr. Finch (Michael Emerson) has developed a computer program that predicts the identity of a person connected to a violent crime that will take place some time in the future. Unable to stop the crimes on his own, Finch hires Reese (Jim Caviezel), a former CIA agent who is presumed to be dead, to intervene and stop the crime. It’s good to see Caviezel working again although this knock-off probably won’t live up to his talent.


Terra Nova – (Fox, Sep 26)

Although nothing like Spielberg’s Jurassic Park, other than the big dinosaurs trying to eat the stars, Fox’s Terra Nova is standing out as the most anticipated of the fall offerings.

In the year 2149 all life Earth is threatened with extinction. In an effort to save the human race, scientists develop a time machine allowing people to travel 85 million years back in time to prehistoric Earth.(Convenient that they invented a time machine just in the nick of time. I think I would’ve gone back to a period of time after the Dinosaur’s extinction. It harps of piss-poor-prior-planning.)

Jim Shannon, wife Elisabeth and children Josh, Maddy, and Zoe join a pilgrimage of settlers traveling back in time to resettle earth. They discover those pesky dinosaurs. Some of their fellow pilgrims get pretty pesky as well.

The only thing missing is Laura Dern’s short shorts and bony legs.


Rumours are CBS is planning a re-boot of the old Bewitched series. As if the movie version wasn’t bad enough.  (Click here for more.)

Show’s I’d like to see them reboot…

Babylon 5 – (Maybe Babylon 5.1)

Rawhide – (I’m ready for a good weekly western)

Marooned – (Seven tourists in a tiny space ship get marooned on a distant planet and have a series of goofy adventures as they try to find a way off the island… er planet)

Dragnet – Two L.A. Cops searching for just the facts. (Think Ackroyd and Hanks)

Flash Gordon – I think it’s worth another shot but with better music (and acting)

All in the Family – Except they live in new Jersey. Ed o’Neill (Married With Children) as Archie, Renee Zellweger (Cold Mountain) as Edythe, Kirsten Bell (Forgetting Sarah Marshall) as daughter Gloria, and Jesse Eisenberg (Zombieland) as Gloria’s husband Michael Stivic.

Take a shot at casting your version of the new “All in the Family”
in the comments below.  (For you young folks, Google Archie Bunker.)

Cap’n Crunch Attacked by Pirates

Cap'n Crunch

Reports are coming in from the Gulf of Arden that famed maritime commander, Cap’n Crunch, and his ship have been boarded by Somali Pirates and at this time are slowly sailing towards Somalia.

Cap’n Crunch, whose real name is Horatio Magellan Crunch, is nothing short of a national treasure loved by children and small adults alike.

It is unknown what the Cap’n and his ship, the Guppy, were doing in the area. There is some conjecture that they were on a covert surveil-lance mission for the CIA, but this has not been confirmed or denied by government sources. Government officials have stated that if the Cap’n and crew are harmed in any fashion that the full force of the U.S. military machine would come to bear on the pirate strongholds of Somalia.

U.S. Naval vessels are on the scene and tailing the Guppy as the pirates head back to their home port with the Cap’n and crew held somewhere below deck.

An unidentified man has reportedly contacted the State Department asking for a 500 million dollar ransom for the Cap’n and crew. A “Free Cap’n Crunch” fund has been setup at Bank of America.

Mock-up of the Guppy

Unconfirmed reports are coming out of the State Department that Count Chocula will be handing all negotiations with the pirates. As you may know, Count Chocula has been instrumental in many other high profile hostage situations before. A talented negotiator, however only able to work at night.

A contingent of extra guards have been stationed around the White House as a crowd of angry children have gathered demanding immediate government intervention.

The is a developing story – stay tuned for more on this crisis in the gulf.

Psssssssst! Hey…. You wanna buy a vacuum cleaner?

Several years ago Steve Martin had a comedy bit that went like this. “One night I got REALLY small, and climbed into a vacuum cleaner….”  I wonder if it was one of these .

In Wisconsin, a woman received a refurbished vacuum cleaner as a Christmas present. (We’ll tackle the appropriateness of small home appliances as birthday, anniversary or Christmas gifts at another time. For right now let’s focus on this vacuum.) When she opened her present she found it was not the thigh-master she was hoping for. Even better – it was a vacuum cleaner, filled with dope!

The Green Bay Press-Gazette reported the lady found nearly two pounds of crystal methamphetamine and a little over two pounds of cocaine shrink wrapped inside the box, after receiving the vacuum from her children. (At least it wasn’t from her husband.) Sheriff’s officials estimate the drugs’ street value at around $280,000. The vacuum was valued at around $50.

Lt. David Poteat of the Sheriff’s Department thinks that a smuggler likely inserted the drugs in the box before it was shipped from the Juarez, Mexico, area, where it had been reconditioned. Poteat says no one noticed anything, including the department store where the appliance was purchased.  The drugs went unnoticed as the package crossed through our cracker-jack US Customs facilities, cross-country with some trucking company, through the different warehouses of the retail outlet in question, and finally to the children who spent a long evening together wrapping gifts as they shared a holiday bong.

Authorities don’t plan to charge the woman. Sheriff’s officials say the store is cooperating with the investigation. Sears, Wal-Mart and Costco have reported a sharp uptick in vacuum cleaner sales.

 



“Don’t do drugs because if you do drugs you’ll go to prison, and drugs are really expensive in prison.” ~John Hardwick