Reservoirs of ink has been sloshed around the past week dedicated to Charlie Sheen, the worst Hollywood melt-down since Mel “You-make-me-want-to-smoke!” Gibson. I don’t want to add to it, I was just sort of obligated to give him a spot in my Weirdo Wednesday. He’s the low hanging fruit on the weirdo tree.
It just seems to me that Charlie Sheen’s worst enemy is Charlie Sheen. I mean think about it – this guy used to be the highest paid actor on television. He was getting $1,800,000 per episode. If you figure 20 minutes of airtime after you take out commercials and title graphics, that means Sheen was knocking down $1,500 every second of every episode on the air, whether he was in the scene or not. (He wanted three million.)
But enough about this selfish, self-absorbed, Hollywood vortex of weirdness. I’m concerned about the well being of his co-stars on the CBS cash cow, Two and a Half Men.
Let me step up to the plate and offer suggestion on how they can continue – what talent can they throw money at to come in and pick up Sheen’s slack….
How about bring in Octomom Natalie Suleman and call the show:
One and a Half Men and Babies Make Ten
How about the writers kill Charlie Harper off in a plane crash and Cousin Eddie (former Weirdo Wednesday alumni Randy Quaid) shows up for the funeral with his wife, played by Janeane Garofalo. They move into the Harper apartment, and begin looking for the Starkillers responsible for Charlie Harper’s demise. The show will be called…
Three and a Half Men
After the hedonistic bachelor, Charlie Harper, dies in a freak mud-bath accident, housekeeper Berta hits the Powerball for $250 million and moves to Tahiti. Brother Alan Harper and underachieving son, Jake Harper, are forced to moved to Barstow and open a truck stop. The new show is called…
No Jake Breaks Allowed
After the writers kill off Charlie’s character in a fiery plunge from the sky in a curious hot-air balloon accident, the remaining cast member split Sheen’s salary evenly and remains number one in the CBS lineup proving once and for all that everyone is replaceable. They formally rename the show…